New Thinking...

<=== That use to be me... All day everyday... It didn't matter to me what others said .. (when they were saying nice things) It was like I couldn't hear them.. I didn't want to hear them.. I felt like shit.. I was not happy with myself.. and no one was going to change my mind!

Like i said.. when people would say nice things to me or about me.. I wouldn't take it.. "You look really nice today J" they would say... "hmmm na, I had no idea what to wear, my make up is shocking.." etc.. I just wouldn't take the compliment..

Before my defrag we were having a surprise birthday for a couple of friends at Chardonaye and B's house.. I was running totally late.. didn't really have time to concentrate on my make up or what i was wearing and i done a rush job.. I got to chardy and B's house and looked in the mirror and holi moli did i over do on the bronzer! I was so paranoid.. I suddenly felt out of place and didn't even want to be there.. I kept asking everyone do i look too dark.. a couple of peeps were like no you look fine.. but i knew i was on my way to orange.. yet i needed someone else to tell me that.. Finally i asked chardy and she was like yep get a flannel and just soak it in water and dab.. So i did...

After that i asked another friend.. ill call her... budgie.. (shes greeeat at budgets lol) so yeah i said to budgie.. does it look better... "waaayyyy better" lol... its funny.. i think she had told me i looked fine before i dabbed and then just the way she replied just then i knew i was good... Sometimes your friends don't know how to say that your face needs fixing or that top looks not cool!.. its not that they want you to look terrible.. they just don't know how to say it..

Remember to always give an honest opinion.. that's why were are asking.. and if we are asking to just fish for compliments and a friend tells you something needs to change.. don't hate... YOU ASKED ...

After that i saw Chardys mumma.. she so awesome.. and she was like oh J you look so nice tonight.. i was like hmm na (sheeshhh) made up some excuse and shes like.. "why do you always do that.. you are a beautiful girl... TAKE the compliment" lol... in my head i was like nah.. you shoulda seen my face like 5 minutes ago .... but i said aloud "ohh kay... thanks".. and smiled..

Since then i have kept chardys mummas advise in my head and have tried to take the compliments people give.. its still pretty hard but i try..

Moral of this story is.. what you see is not always what others see.. its hard to accept that you are beautiful.. its easy to accept you are not?

Listen to chardys mumma and take the compliment.. and hopefully you too will start seeing what they see..

Have a great day

- J

Defragment Me!

So I'm on this new wave at the moment.. (like i always am) ... better to keep trying and fail than not try at all ? CHEESY! but true..

I had myself in a crazy spot last weekend where i pulled an all day, all night, all day bender... Dear was not impressed with me at all!! I blew the money that we weren't meant to spend.. (I'm no good with money!! I suck actually) ..Stayed away from home all day.. and my phone went flat so i was unavailable to those trying to reach me ... ie: my wonderful aunty I guess id call her who was looking after my nephews.. Anyways got home around half 9 at night.. Dear had already gone out to his friends house and i thought everything was cool..

Next day me and dear are sweet then he starts asking how much money i spent.. where i was all night.. why i didn't come home.. who had the boys.. and he wasn't asking like a control freak he was just genuinely asking.. so i told the truth lol.. i was drunk... pretty much all day.. "Binge drinker" he reckons... I was like O.M.G i had a hard night on the piss so wat.. everyone does it right? then he was like yea but not like 3 weekends in a row.. Shit? he was right.. I had been pretty much drunk all weekend for the last 3 weekends... Shocking really.. Especially coz I'm not like that anyways?

And then when you are drunk you remember the "tell all" chats you have with friends and randoms lol.. and think "Oh man... i really shouldn't have said that"...

NEWAYS ... here Dear and I were talking.. well he was making me feel guilty and i guess rightfully so.. I am 28.. im blowing all our money.. I'm unavailable to aunty when she had the boys.. like serious Jaye... GROW UP! I want more for me ya know... I want to be responsible with money.. i want to be a role model to my nephews and not some drunk or hungova aunty who has no time for them in the weekend coz shes either still drunk or sleeping... (some may say, don't be so hard it aint that bad) which is why it would keep happening if i too thought like that..

So i decided to stop apologizing to people and redeem myself.. I could say sorry to Dear a million times but i could tell he had no faith in me.. he was expecting it of me again this weekend.. I had a long think.. Reflected on my actions and behavior.. the way i talk to and about people.. I pretty much analyzed myself to get ready for defragment..

Who was I? What did I like? What didn't I like? Where was my life going? What did I want to do? so much thinking.. and I came to know that I didn't have any answers..

My whole life has been based on.. Me trying to please others.. making others happy.. Worrying about what others said or thought of me.. agreeing with the "IN" crowd.. when i don't even think i agreed.. Staying up till all hours of the night drinking coz i was trying to out do a friend.. (lol which i failed... hes a soldier) .. but in all honesty... at the end of my thinking famine.. I cam to realise... Who the hell am I?

And then... I started to Defrag... Very slowly.. Ive started with not smoking... I have smoked since i was roughly 12 years old.. why? because that's what the cool kids were doing.. i stole smokes from my parents to give to the older cool kids.. but i never actually enjoyed it or liked it.. i thought i did enjoy it.. but when i think about it I may as well put my mouth over a car exhaust pipe .. coz that's what im inhaling.. I became addicted to the myth that smoking was good.. these days i would find myself the one standing in the little corner away from society so i could feed that nicotine monster.. So i read Allen Carrs stop smoking book and I have been off the smokes since Monday .. (its Friday today lol) but hey that's more than i have ever stopped in 16 years.. HOLI SHIT!! that's sounds so long.. And im doing good.. I recommend that book! Ive had it for nearly a year now and never actually finished the book.. until Monday ..

I haven't done anything as major.. but since not smoking man.. i have some energy!! its great lol.. I actually finished reading the last lecture by Randy P .. it talks about achieving your childhood dreams and has alot of good points in there... read it one day...

During this defrag Ive found that I have a clearer mind and I'm more alert of whats going on.. I try to think before i speak now.. if someone asks for my opinion instead of saying the safer thing ( like agree with them) to keep them happy i really think about it.. and i speak honestly.. My friends are like are you okay? ... they don't know this Jaye.. all quiet and shit... but hey I'm in the process of meeting myself for the first time.. wouldn't you be quiet too?

Man i can rave on aye! ... it must be all this quietness ... I unleash on my blog lol..

But once again its time to head to work.. it will be a good day today because as of 4.30pm today i am on holidays!! yay... a much deserved holiday i reckon.. and it couldn't have come at a better time..

Have a great day.. and don't be afraid to defrag once in a while.. maybe not as extreme as stripping yourself down like i have but just a touch up and check yourself.. are you living your life? or are you living your life for others?

- J

What to write about?

So my friend just left and I said to her..

"What do you write about in a blog" .. "Anything" she reckons...

She used "Confessions of a shopaholic" as an example lol.. I don't shop.. but i get where she was coming from..

Said to make up my blog name.. Mr X? .... bahahaha ... last time I checked I was female.. but again.. I knew what she meant.. She wants her name as "B" .. so that's what we will call her.. and shes cool with me talking about her in my "blog" lol...

Its sometimes hard to write about anything and then nothing? do I make this inspirational or motivational ... try and be funny? talk about computers (not that id know what i was talking about) ... like I dunno.. Wat effs... (watevers) ...

I have cool friends... I'll talk about them in this "blog" .. give them code names like "B" and "Chardonaye" baaaahhahaha (personal joke) .. I have a man.. of like 7 years.. not including the 1 year we were on a "break" lol.. 7 years sounds better than 6... but then that would technically be a lie... hmmm maybe ill take it back to 6 years.. (staying honest with myself) ...

My mum is hilarious... she does the dumbest things .. like one time she was reading the paper and found that her left eye was alot clearer than her right.. yet she continued to try read... (she wears glasses) ... anyways.. dad got home and she pulled him up straight away "dad I really need new glasses my eyes are getting really bad.. especially my right!" ... dad put down is work gears walked over to her and poked her right eye! .... The lens was missing! HAHAHA... that's just one of many stories... she could seriously write a book ...

My Pops... Nice man... hard worker.. quiet man.. funny man... helpful man.. cheeky man (to mum) .. what else can I say.. hes my dad.. :)

I have my 2 nephews living with me and my dear (partner, I call him dear) ... they are 11 and 9 years old.. so many funny stories about them too.. and last but not least.. my 2 dogs... the destructive duo!! black lab .. and Mini Daschund ... totally destructive!!! Ive learnt not to get attached to things lol..

My job.. well crazy it is!!! good days.. bad days.. lol I'm sure ill rave on about it from time to time..

Well.. yea that's really all I have time for at the moment.. considering I'm at work lol.. and its now home time!!!

Done not too bad for someone who didn't know what to write about?

I'll try have a topic next crime..

Till then... don't be too serious :)

- J